I’ve been reading The Onion since it had a print edition, which was in the era when “fake news” was still a genre of comedy and not a direct threat to democracy. When you crank out as much material as The Onion has over the past few decades, much of it is bound to fall flat, but there are just as many triumphs. On a lark, I recently tried to list my 10 favorite articles, only to quickly come up with 20.
Surprisingly, very few of them are directly political: my hot take is that The Onion, much like Saturday Night Live, is a lot funnier when it isn’t trying to be relevant. Instead, these articles delve into the weirder, goofier, and more creative side of fake news.
Here’s my list with links, presented in no particular order. Once you’ve read, I’d love to hear about yours.
Frustrated Novelist No Good At Describing Hands
No matter how many times I read it, novelist Edward Milligan’s awful attempts to comprehend human appendages utterly slay me. From “glorious gripping machine” to “bony ball-sticks” to “flabby pink-tan logs, but a bendy kind of log,” the hits come thick and fast. I also felt a deep sympathy with Milligan’s use of shortcuts, like populating entire stories with amputees, or asking Philip Roth to explain how he does hands.
Milligan is one of The Onion‘s recurring characters, also featured in “Novelist Has Whole Shitty World Plotted Out.”
BREAKING: Imperial Inspector To Arrive By Railcar This Very Afternoon
I love when The Onion does worldbuilding, and this one makes me more certain than ever that someone on staff is working on a fantasy novel. There aren’t really any jokes, except the overall joke that this was printed in a newspaper at all, but there are so many enticing details that I don’t care. Who is the Captain of the Dragoons? How does the Imperial Inspector’s young bride feel about being wed to “a severe man not given to humor”? Has the Armada really been as successful in the provinces as the propaganda would have us believe? And what one mistake by our protagonist will condemn his hometown, beginning an adventure that will take them to the very heart of the imperial fortress?
My Reclining Squirrel Kung Fu Stance Is Eminently Defeatable
OK, there’s only one joke in this, but goddamn if it isn’t hilarious. Quaking Rodent, Master of Losing at Kung Fu, taunts his rival Stunted Duckling with florid boasts about how much he, Quaking Rodent, sucks at martial arts. If you’re not howling by the line “I have journeyed for almost a day, detouring several miles to avoid the frighteningly high bridge over the Yue Jiang river,” you will be by the time Rodent admits to killing his own master.
I’ve Never Been So Accurately Insulted In All My Life
I admit I mostly find this funny because my cousin once read the whole thing to me in a note-perfect snooty character voice — Kelsey Grammer couldn’t have done a better reading of lines like “You sliced me to helpless ribbons, the English language your scalpel!” Since then, it’s a rare Chapman family gathering that goes by without someone saying “lose 30 to 35 pounds!”
Deciding Vote On Wetlands Preservation Bill Rests With The Littlest Senator
The best Onion articles are the ones that commit to a bit and ride it all the way to the end, and few do it better than the tale of Rhode Island Senator Dwight Q. Peabody. Though the big, mean senators bully him, Peabody finds his courage and learns that the littlest senator can make the biggest difference of all.
Ask An Elderly Black Woman As Depicted By A Sophomore Creative Writing Major
I’ve read submissions for a few issues of a literary magazine, and you’d better believe I’ve met Mrs. D’Lulah Jessups more than once. This article nails the specific cocktail of paternalism and performative allyship that arises when writers without imagination or life experience try to tackle weighty issues. Fictional author Brian Kirby gives Mrs. Jessups a grating dialect, an endless supply of southern-fried cliches, and a cheerful subservience to her employers.
Kirby’s satisfaction with his own open-mindedness oozes riotously from every line of “The Sun Behind the Sky.” I can easily imagine him sitting down at his keyboard after reading about the George Floyd protests, deciding to solve this gosh-darn race problem once and for all. It’s an expansion of my favorite ever entry in the Lyttle Lytton Contest: “‘Your life matters!’ I cried in solidarity, tenderly hugging the POC.”
Nation Afraid To Admit 9-Year-Old Disabled Poet Really Bad
Take note, conservatives: this is an example of actual transgressive comedy done right. It works because, while we’re invited to laugh at Luke Petrowski’s execrable poems, he’s not the ultimate butt of the joke. The article’s true targets are the hordes of well-meaning adults who flock to put Luke on a pedestal and refuse to engage with his work on its own merits. It reminds me of The Fault In Our Stars, which also points out the dehumanizing nature of the “inspirational sick child” trope.
Veteran Cop Gets Along Great With Rookie Partner
Nothing too special here — just an article challenging itself to take the piss out of as many police movie tropes as possible in 800 words. Vincent Tate’s unorthodox methods and lack of a drinking problem pair perfectly with Jason Hepplewhite’s fancy education and lack of a tragic backstory. I haven’t laughed so hard at a pair of cops since Danson and Highsmith leapt to their deaths in The Other Guys.
Pete’s An Asshole vs. Aw, C’mon, Pete’s An All-Right Guy
In the greatest example of the Onion’s oft-used point-counterpoint format, two friends argue over the pressing question of whether Pete sucks. The second part has a hilarious and surprisingly nuanced arc as the author sets out to defend Pete, only for each justification to push him further toward realizing that Pete is, in fact, an asshole.
Sci-Fi Writer Attributes Everything Mysterious To ‘Quantum Flux’
OK, I may be slightly biased toward the ones about writers, but this is just so dang funny. Writing a novel without an outline is a dangerous activity, and Gabriel Fournier’s over-reliance on quantum flux to solve all his self-inflicted problems spirals rapidly out of control. It’s even funnier when he tries to pretend he did it all on purpose for thematic reasons. I have to admit, though, that I’m curious about what will happen at the end of A Flux Quantum.
I’m Sure That Out-Of-Control Water-Skier Will Avoid Our Outdoor Wedding
The tale of Penelope Stodgeworthy’s soon-to-be interrupted wedding is one of the rarest things an Onion article can be: truly heartwarming. Penelope builds tension by describing her increasingly precarious nuptials, then releases it in one gloriously long sentence that reveals she never wanted to marry Walter Priss in the first place — and gives her one more chance at happiness with her working-class lover Patrick.
‘The Case, Mr. Kerry, Give Me The Case,’ Demands Malaysian Ambassador Holding Dangling John Kerry From Petronas Towers Skybridge
For a while, The Onion was doing a bit where Secretary of State John Kerry was an international man of action and intrigue who fought tyrannical Russian oligarchs and seduced Arabian princesses. Every single one of these articles is gold, from Kerry disguising himself as Vladimir Putin’s masseur to saving his Moroccan companion Drumstick from quicksand. This one stands in for all of them because it’s fun to shout “The case, Mr. Kerry! Give me the case!”
You Shall Make An Excellent Queen
Most of The Onion‘s regular contributors are hit-or-miss for me, but one never wore out his welcome: Gorzo the Mighty, Emperor of the Universe. After taking over the universe sometime in the 30s, Gorzo lives only to destroy his nemesis Crash Comet, Space Commander From The Year 2000. In this thrilling vignette, Crash Comet rudely crashes Gorzo’s joyous marriage ceremony (in what I’ve just realized is the second fucked-up wedding on the list).
Love On A Budget
We can’t forget the other greatest regular contributor: Smoove B, Love Man. Smoove’s bit is that no matter what he starts out talking about, his columns always degenerate into long descriptions of elaborate dates that culminate in him freaking his woman doggy-style. In this column, Smoove finds himself short on cash and must treat his one true woman to a picnic and sneaking into a drive-in movie.
Loved Ones Recall Local Man’s Cowardly Battle With Cancer
I’ve always imagined that cancer patients, much like members of the armed forces, get tired of people constantly praising their bravery. If that’s true, reading this article must be cathartic for them. Russ Kunkel may be so deeply craven that his four-month prognosis turns out to be wildly optimistic, but in his own way, he’s taking a brave stand by refusing to conform to expectations.
If You Want To Date My Daughter, You’re Going To Have To Date Me First
I find the whole “shotgun dad” meme to be absurdly creepy and off-putting, so this article was a breath of fresh air. Lloyd Rutledge refuses to let his daughter Katie date until he’s dated the boy himself to make sure he’s worthy. It’s a lot more commitment than just threatening to shoot the date, and I commend Lloyd for it.
Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off On Technicality
The Onion‘s “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Bonus points for the perfect picture.
Oh, Area Man’s Aching Back
Where would The Onion be without Area Man? As newspapers become steadily less local, Area Man has become an anachronism, but he still resides in our hearts as the lackluster everyman hero of a hundred Onion articles. I like to think of him as Florida Man’s slightly quieter brother.
Ask A High-School Student Who Didn’t Do The Required Reading
“I would say that using animals to represent communists was a pretty good idea, because, historically, communists tried to do a lot of animalistic things, like aim nuclear bombs at America, and that is like something an animal on a farm might do.”
The Definitive Ranking Of Everyone In This Chinese Dragon Costume
I’m cheating a bit to get to 20, because this isn’t actually an Onion article — it’s from sister site Clickhole, which mocks clickbait sites like Buzzfeed. This is some of Clickhole’s best work. Not a week goes by when I don’t find some opportunity to say “Being in the dragon is about being part of a team” or “Listen, Gene, this isn’t a fucking conga line.”
Thanks for reading! And let me know if the Imperial Inspector guy ever writes that novel.
To Find the Colors Again 